On Friday, I was let go from my job.
For those who work to pay bills and live, this may sound like a bit of a nuisance–something frustrating rather than devastating. Challenging to lose the income, but provided you didn’t burn down any chance of a good reference, incomes can be replaced.
I live to work. I’m not happy just paying the bills–I want more than that. I want an opportunity to use my strengths, to have a real impact on a business in the way that only I can. I want to learn and to grow, to sharpen my skills and keep making magic.
This job, which I began last March, offered all of that and more. My official title was ‘Marketing Co-ordinator’, but as the business was small, the range of responsibilities was everything from administrative assistant to tech support. I was in charge of writing all content for the website, monthly newsletter, additional eblasts, social media, case studies, developing printed collateral, arranging promotional items and gifts, co-ordinating the IT system and acting as a gateway between staff and our IT company, answering phones, taking data and wrangling it into charts, telemarketing, searching out contacts to call, managing the client database, answering phones and live chat queries, setting up new equipment (usually laptops and phones), and whatever else needed doing on a particular day.
That’s how it is in small business. Regardless of your title, you need to be prepared to drop everything and do something well out of your job description when required. Over time, it became obvious that I am the world’s worst telemarketer, so that–and a few other tasks–were removed from my role.
My primary skill set is writing, and my key weaknesses are time management and multitasking. Having not held a position like this before, the sudden expectation to juggle so many competing priorities (and co-ordinating these with up to four external companies) was a challenge.
But–I loved it. Even when I felt like I was drowning in a sea of tasks, I loved it. I got to see reactions and web traffic rise as my informative posts went up on our site. We saw our online enquiries triple. We’d done a lot of SEO work, so it wasn’t just my work that got results, but we got results. I was a part of that.
I was good at the work, but I wasn’t fast. I got tasks mixed up easily, I forgot things (even if I had them written down on my calendar) and I made stupid mistakes. After a few months in the position, I realised that I was far more fatigued than I should be, and that began the investigation into myself that resulted in my autism diagnosis.
Did that autism result in being let go? Possibly. Small businesses change priorities fast, tasks come up with little notice and need to be turned around fast. That’s not me. As an autistic person, that chaotic workflow is irritating and makes it hard to focus. I like the time to consider things carefully, to implement them in the exact best way that I can. My work is slow, but the results are high quality. I need space between tasks to mentally ‘adjust’, I find it hard to pivot straight to the next thing. Sometimes I put more time and effort into something than it deserves, I can get ‘lost’ in research and design.
Though those are largely autistic traits, and yes–they interfered with my work–this wasn’t discrimination. Those traits are also facts about me, parts of who I am that will challenge me my whole life. Those same traits made it difficult to meet the performance requirement for my job, it’s that simple.
I grew a lot in this position. Learned things about an industry I knew little of before. Learned how to better work social media. Learned about myself and realised that for every dream I’d ever had, a high-pressure fast-paced glamorous career was never going to be healthy for me. Working 8am-5pm in this position four days a week was leaving me mentally fatigued, struggling to want anything more than sleep when I had time off.
I’d come back to Victoria to spend more quality time with my family. The job I loved was sucking away any desire to see anyone outside work. My fiction writing suffered when my creative energy was put toward making commercial floor cleaning equipment sound exciting. For all that, I still loved my job.
Losing it is a devastating blow. I’m not without options, and financially I’m in a great position to job search. I’m confused by some of the actions taken before that meeting, I’m upset at how only hours before I’d spoken with my manager (who would have known what was to come later in the day) where she discussed my plans for next week. According to my boss, she also felt burdened by the amount of help I needed in structuring my time and in determining what priorities came first. That she never said anything to me, rather, that she acted eager to mentor me (and I did see her as a mentor) is a betrayal I just don’t understand. Why wouldn’t she say that I was being too demanding?
I need to let that go. The last lesson this job has to teach me may be the most important one of all: not blaming myself for this outcome.
I put everything into this job. I learned and I improved and I developed content that the company will continue to benefit from. I’m proud of that. I didn’t give up, I continued to hang on and keep trying, keep pushing to meet the demands of the company. I can’t do it–yet. As a small business, they don’t have the resources to invest in getting me to that point.
The decision to let me go wasn’t personal. They loved my work, there just wasn’t enough of it. They felt I was under too much pressure to deliver and that it would only get worse in future. For my health and their profit, it was best that I found something else.
I spent the weekend with my family, and took some time to feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I begin the job hunt. I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for, but I do know a few things to avoid. I’m excited to see what’s out there, and what I can learn in my next work adventure.
This time, I think I will aim for more of a life-work balance. A job that I can love, but one I can ‘disconnect’ from after hours. Something that provides me with breaks for mental rest that I need to keep from burning out, and something that allows me to be myself.
I’m sad today, but looking forward to tomorrow. What jobs do you think I should try my hand at?