I should post more about when the world delights me. Today it delighted me in the most wonderful way.
I decided on a whim to walk from work to the nearest shopping centre. It’s not far, a couple of blocks through the industrial section of town. There’s no footpath, so it’s not the most fun walk (especially with all the mud right now!) but I wanted to go to the supermarket before I headed home. I’d also be able to catch a bus from the shops back home. I’m a stingy bastard, so the idea of paying $2 rather than $20 was extremely attractive.
Off I went, headphones in. I must look proper crazy when I’m walking, because I give zero shits about what the drivers around me see. I walk in time to whatever music I’m listening to, stomp with the down beat, and my hands? Well–my hands are busy directing an invisible band. Am I mouthing the words in the most ridiculous and over-the-top way? You bloody bet I am.
Started with a little AWOLNATION (Burn It Down) and then into The Rocket Summer (Brat Pack). By the end of that song, the first drops of rain were falling on my head.
I love moments that have a sense of drama. Not actual dramatic moments, because those are threatening and scary and intense and please make them stop–but moments that you might find in a movie. Given that I’m already enacting my own music video, the rain just made it perfect.
Cue Elton John (Believe). Now this song has tonnes of drama. It’s perfect rainy walking music. It’s perfect dramatic lip-syncing music. And it has an epic backing that makes for fantastic hand gestures. I went for it.
The rain went from a little to a lot all at once. By the time I reached the highway across from the shops, I was drenched from head to toe. Grinning. Standing at the pedestrian crossing, not giving one shit that I was being bucketed down on, enjoying the music and the weather.
As I crossed the road and into the car park, I put my arms out to reach more of the rain. At some point then I began to giggle. And then laugh. And then cackle in the most obnoxious way, but I couldn’t stop. I almost didn’t want to go inside.
It was great. I got some weird looks, but it was worth it.
To add to that awesome moment, when I got in to the supermarket, the product I wanted had a ticket on it for $14. Half the usual price, and I don’t buy the product unless it’s on sale! At the register it scanned for the normal price, so I queried it, and as per the supermarket’s policy, got it free!
Then I missed the bus, but that was okay. By that point the wet clothes were starting to get way uncomfortable and spending an hour on buses was looking less and less appealing.
That’s me. I’m the girl pretending to fly and conduct an invisible band in the rain, and laughing to herself about it.
It’s been almost two weeks since the last post, so… I decided to ‘cheat’ and go with a music post. Everything I’ve been drafting lately feels to heavy or uncomfortable, thoughts that aren’t developed enough to put into coherent words. They’ll come along.
Mostly I love this song just because it’s a bit quirky, and the title captured my imagination immediately. Steel Train is definitely one of my favourite bands. This particular track has a very anthemic feel (I love this) and a rich sense of drama. It’s a song you can really disappear into, and I frequently do–in good and bad moods.
I love listening down to that driving drum track, delighting in the changes between chorus, verse and bridge. The song is so rich when you listen through all the layers.
Below is an analysis of the lyrics as they apply to me. You might get a completely different story, and I’m sure the writers intended something else as well! To me, though, it picks up on that sense of being ‘other’ that I’ve had ever since I can remember. Knowing that there was something I wasn’t getting right, something that held me back from fitting in with other kids.
The song tells the story of too many friendships I’ve had in my life. Not all of them, don’t worry–and none who are currently in my life. My friends now are an amazing group of people who don’t just accept that I’m going to say or do weird things–they build on them with me.
Kill Monsters in the Rain — Steel Train.
Come and save me, come on down from that hill Where you sleep, no more do you ever have to dream
Come down here, join me. Come see the world like me, in full and fantastic colour. Where everyone has at least a little goodness and the smallest thing could be the twist that ends the universe. I want to show you, I want you to understand–come see what I see.
Together we can, together we’ll Kill monsters in the rain We are the same, what a mess you made
Come run with me like we’re escaping zombies, press against walls like secret agents. We’ll make our own language and slay dragons in our spare time. Together. It’s lonely out here. You can be the one to understand.
Hide in the cupboard, behind the soap boxes and.. Your mom, will never see us lying, hiding awake Together we can, together we’ll Kill monsters in the rain We are the same, what a mess you made
No one needs to know, no one else understands. They don’t see it, let me show you! Let’s jump the cracks in the concrete, sing with imperfect voices… just because we can. Because we can move, because we can make noise, because it’s fun and we want to.
Do you belong here in my world? I think you do–I can get you here. You just have to believe. Accept. Forget what the world wants you to be, and be you. Be you with me. Love, even when it’s hopeless. Hope against all odds. Fight for what you hold true. I’m here, I’ll fight with you.
I was cold, in line Picked out, backed down Fucked up, out of love Out of time, I fell I’m never going back again..!..
I waited, aware, different and strange. A sign above my head marked me as the odd one. I spoke of things they didn’t see, didn’t believe. I wasn’t cool, or trendy, or any of the things I needed to fit. Out of sync with the world, and I’ve been waiting still. Waiting for someone to join me here. Can you? Can you come enjoy my world with me?
Come and save me, I’ll climb on up your hill We don’t sleep, no more life lived like a dream
Maybe you won’t… maybe you can’t. I’m coming to you instead. It has to be this way.
Together we can, together we’ll Kill monsters in the rain We are the same, what a mess you made
There must be something up here, something you see that I don’t. Show me. Show me what your life is like and how to be like you. Show me all the things I don’t know, don’t get, show me where I’ve been going wrong all this time. Teach me. I need to be taught.
Show me the rules to follow, the ways to dress. What should I think, what should I do? What’s the formula for a good life? I promise I’ll never go back. I’ll be perfect. I’ll walk and talk without pretending I’m in a movie, I’ll enjoy things that are normal. You can approve them! That way I can’t go wrong… right?
I’ll never go back. I’ll hold myself still, just let me into your world with its greys and browns.
I was cold, in line Picked out, backed down Fucked up, out of Love, out of time The you were, then you smiled
You took me, taught me, and I tried. I failed… so many times. Even here with so many people, I couldn’t be like them. With all your teaching, I was never enough to belong. The colour always beckoned, a quirky thought voiced and I was outside once more.
So you gave up on me. I’m not of this world, so you kicked me from it.
And again and again and I fell Open eyes, I did see that ghost, that soul.. Was buried alive, and I swore I’d never see that place again…!!!…
I couldn’t go back to where I came from. I’ve lost the freedom I had, my coloured world stained in your brown and grey. My soul lies buried under your rules, smothered in expectations. Guilt from failure, a burning wish to return to where you are and succeed.
I’ve forgotten who I am. I warped myself to fit and the damage has stuck. What do I do now? I have nowhere, nothing, I don’t belong. Even in my own mind. I don’t recognise myself.
Perhaps I can find someone to join me here in this mottled world of drab and colour. Monsters still lurk in the grey rain, after all.
Together we can, together we’ll Kill monsters in the rain We are the same, what a mess you made Oh we are the same, what a mess we’ll make
‘However fast I dance to make the sun shine, I will never fall down. No matter what it takes, I’ll try to save the ghost lights.’ — Woodkid, ‘Ghost Lights’.
Music has always been important to me, and through this blog I’ll be sharing various songs that have meaning for one reason or another. I collect these much like I collect words, each song having a particular riff or beat, or lyrical line that has inspired me in some way.
This one came up on my playlist today. I love listening to my music on shuffle. Forgotten treasures unearth themselves and take me back the places and times when they were last influential. This song reminds me of dancing around our quirky flat in Brisbane, both cats staring at me like I’d gone mad.
Poor boys. They never could handle my singing and dancing.
It’s a song about trying to save fading love, but that’s not how I interpret it. To me, Ghost Lights echoes the determination and effort that goes into making each day better than the last. The fight for just a little brightness when depression is so thick you can barely breathe through it.
However fast I dance, however much I have to force it, however much I have to push–I won’t give up. I might dance slower some days, but I won’t stop. I might falter, but I won’t fall. I’ll have a lot of bad days, but no matter what it takes–I’ll try to save what light I have, and grow it for tomorrow.
The tone of the song seems depressing, but for me it feels hopeful. It’s a promise to myself.
And no matter what it takes, I will try to save the ghost lights.
inshiftingcolour 